（开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。）
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.
抛开玩笑，我想重申今晚我的确是受邀而来的。
（因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。）
I grew up in China. Who didn’t?
我在中国长大，谁不是呢？
（装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。）
Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
我童年的大部分记忆都被童年毁了。我上小学时，作为课程的一部分，我要在稻田劳动，旁边紧挨着一个采石场，他们常常要用炸药来炸开石头。我就是从那里了解了光比声音传播速度快的，因为声音总是和飞石差不多一样的速度。
（主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。）
My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”
我爸爸脾气暴躁，但他偶尔会开个玩笑，给我点鼓励。我7岁的时候他跟我说，“儿子，你知道为什么豆腐比集中的社会主义经济好吗？”5分钟后我问“为什么？”他告诉我：“因为是老子说的。”
（形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。）
In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.
1994年，我来到美国在德州的莱斯大学学习。此处不是笑话，现在是了。我开着一辆二手车，保险杠上贴满了撕不下去的标签，其中一个写道“如果你不会讲英语，滚回家吧！”我直到两年后才明白它的意思。
（That wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是一个矛盾。）
We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”
我们总是幻想有一天自己的儿子成为总统。我们给他双语的教育，让他在家讲中文，到公共场合说英语。可有时候我不得不在公共场合对他说，“如果你不讲英语，滚回家吧！”他就会说，“我为什么要学两种语言呢？”我告诉他，“当你成为总统以后，你必须要用英语来签署法案，用中文和你的债权国对话。”
（此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。）
After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”
从莱斯大学毕业后，我决定留在美国，因为有一件事我在中国肯定不如在美国能做得更好——具有民族特色。为了成为美国公民，我们移民必须要学习美国历史，很多问题诸如“本杰明·富兰克林是谁？” 我们想“啊...导致我们便利店被劫的原因？” “第二修正案是什么？” 我们就“啊……导致我们便利店被劫的原因？” “Roe vs Wade是什么？” 我们又“啊……来到美国的两种途径？”
（用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。）
Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt. In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.
之后我读了很多关于美国历史的书，以至于我都产生了白人负罪感。在美国人人生而平等，但出生后，就要看父母对子女在教育和医疗上的支付能力了。
（这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。）
I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”.
我在《男人健康》杂志上看到奥巴马总统每周都有两天做有氧运动，四天做举重锻炼。我不用健身的，因为我有医疗保险。我住在马萨诸塞州，提供统一医疗保险，之后Scott Brown当上议员，说得有点乱，我想有部电影是关于Brown议员的，叫《Kill Bill》。
（这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。）
We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.
拜登副总统也出席了今晚的晚宴。我曾经读过您的自传，现在终于有幸见到您，我觉得还是书上的更好看一些，他们应该让布拉德·皮特或是安吉丽娜·茱丽来出演您的故事。
（美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。）
